A very long letter

I'm glad both of us still have THIS platform for communication.

There's so much I want to tell you too, so this shall be one of my futile attempts to address everything. 'Address' sounds so formal, but it perfectly represents the gap now.

When the three of us were walking in silence (again) last night, my mind was in a whirl. I mean, is it even possible for friends to have nothing to say to each other for such long periods of time? Especially when all of us were able to talk about ANYTHING, EVERYDAY.


In our case, probably the best way to solve everything is to tell each other more about ourselves instead of trying to understand each other. We're both stuck and confused about what the other party is thinking. Not knowing each other's concerns, we're just guessing and putting assumptions that would ruin matters futher.

By stating my concern, it doesn't mean I don't care about yours. How can we understand each other without proper communication right? Communication is about expressing yourself and not just listening to the other party. So feel safe to tell me everything now that I have.

Even everything that you think isn't appropriate, thinking it might hurt me. I always tell others this - the truth doesn't hurt me, because by not knowing it makes me more hurt when I think excessively and assume things. Or rather, having people tell me about the truth in person doesn't hurt me (hurts only for awhile, before I reflect), if I found out about it on my own then it would.

The truth only helps us grow stronger. So please - tell me what you're thinking. I've had a hard time guessing these few days, which explains my depressed mood.


Yes its true - I thought I'd just give up and not bother anymore. I thought you didn't bother either, because on that night when I sent that extremely long message and put all my heart into it just to see that two-word reply, it made feel rejected. Like you don't care at all. I got fed up after awhile (over other situations too), and there's a thing to admit - I got envious over two matters.

There's ALOT, ALOT I gotta learn too, but from an outsider's point of view you should really try to have better anger management. That's my take on it as a friend.



I was pulling away from the two of you cause I didn't want to be hurt. Or give myself a chance to hurt myself. I'll explain more to you when we get the chance to talk to each other. Things weren't going the way they were supposed to be, and I convinced myself I've to let go of everything in order to start afresh. Actually, no. Cause I still can't forget and I still can't let go.

I've been pretending to look happy in the absence of you guys, this goes unexplained. Yet I'm trying to pull closer. In other cases I pretend to not care when I do. Sense the irony.


I've been feeling VERY down because I can't talk to you two and some classmates properly lately. Its not because of conflicts, they're mostly unknown that's why it makes me more confused. I've got my studies to worry about too, I'm screwed in the ass inside out, upside down. Like literally. Let me tell you something, I really feel like quitting school sometimes. I seem as though I dont' care, but I do.

I thought pretending not to care would ease me of disappointments.

(start of own ranting you can skip if you like)

Things have been pretty effed up for me, simply put. I don't want to write everything down explicitly as others may read this, but I feel really insecure. Really insecure. I dont' have A friend to count on 24/7 (They really do care but just not as much as they do for others), just floating around to satisfy my CURRENT emotions. I feel you're like that too, sometimes. Sometimes, because you've got somebody to call when you're down.

Also, I was fed up about how I'm forcing myself to stay strong and refused to tell anybody about my problems and thoughts (okay, perhaps I did to one friend). It made me determined to depend on myself at all times. So I might've appeared to be very depressed and not wanting to talk to others, and making it seem as though I dont' give a bloody shit.

If there's anything I've learnt, its that one shouldn't be too open about her feelings and emotions. I'm so easy to read. Yet I don't like telling people about other thoughts and problems. Like failed attempts to hide my feelings.

I can feel others pulling away from me too, and it makes me sad. I understand the hurt of wanting a friendship to work but it just doesn't, however desperate you may be. The past doesn't haunt me, I want it back though I might have made the wrong moves to screw things up. We can only reflect upon what we've done wrong but it takes two hands to clap too.

(end of own ranting)

Woah, after all I've written, I realised there's alot I've learnt about myself, but still alot I don't know. Hopefully this can help make everything better.

Emotional control, we've gotta learn that. Its about keeping your cool and tolerance, and understanding others. I dont' get angry easily, but I think far too much and end up all depressed/sad. (so that makes me a sucker at emotional control too)

Until I read what you wrote, I was pretty sure I didn't want to care anymore - but now I want to give it another try. Because you care, right? If it doesn't work, then lets move on to the next chapter of our lives and hope we'll meet again someday.

I wanted to say sorry this happened, but I realised this matter isn't about anybody's fault. Its just about common understanding - or the lack of it. Besides, the word "sorry" doesn't mean much.


We're all in control of the situations we're in, and it takes two hands to clap. Now that I've made the first move, its all up to you.

Yes, tell me everything. I'm listening.